| settling in... |
[27 Aug 2005|01:53pm] |
wow...school has been crazy crazy...this week was the first week of classes. I dropped university experience (one hour freshman class) after like 5 seconds of being in the class. Genetics is an ok class, there's just SO many people in there. I am so glad I didn't end up at a huge university with a class of like 300, 100 is far big enough for me. Civilization is confusing because of my beliefs versus those being discussed currently in the class. I have kept up with the reading and such thus far though *pats self on the back*. Chemistry and I are getting along as of so far. I have a pretty cool teacher and a huge class there too. The lab is going to suck, no chairs...
I have back-to-back labs on Thursday too, Chem then Genetics, 10 minute break between them. Other than that, Calc has proved so easy thus far, because I've done all the stuff in there. The practice homework I missed a lot of the problems on, but that's because I made dumb mistakes.
Work study in admissions means stuffing more envelopes than my brain can honestly take. I work there 11 hours a week. I'm also in the process of looking for a job off campus. Put in 4 applications so far, but they are all getting so hard to chase down.
John and I are doing well, I'm so happy here with him. On mornings when I don't feel like going to class, he's my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. We got off campus for a couple of hours last night, went to Picianno's house (the guys he lived with this summer). They were drinking and such, but John and I just kinda watched, laughed at them some. Came back at 12.30 and crashed. Brunch together this morning and the rest of my books came in.
Now, I'm sitting around his room avoiding my assignments and listening to this air radio while he flies...I can't pick out any of what they are saying...they keep talking overtop of one another.
Oh well, I love life...and hate some people.
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| nightmare complete? |
[11 Aug 2005|01:35pm] |
so the nightmare is nearly over...
i am now a proud and registered NC driver, aced my test this morning! I also have nearly acquired a 2005 ford focus, sonic blue, she's absolutely gorgeous! tomorrow I leave to start my life all over again and i couldn't be more excited and scared to death at the same time. all of my stuff is packed in boxes...all i'm waiting for now is this time tomorrow when daddy gets off work!we should be there by 3 AM and then it's all about sleep, followed by being all about my boyfriend and the beach...and then all about moving into my new dorm. weirdest thing: john stayed in my dorm for a training thing for two nights...like in my ACTUAL room...how ironic. but that's not so good because he told me that I have the smallest room on the hall so my roomie and i are gunna bunk the beds and hope for the best i guess.
it's here, it's finally here, and it couldn't go by any slower...
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| wowowowowowowow!!!! |
[09 Aug 2005|08:30pm] |
so, this move has honestly been a nightmare. my car died on the way here. it's gone forever at this point, something wrong with the transmission. once we get here we find out there are multiple deeds to our house in the hands of multiple owners and the house didn't close on time, and i left out that we got lost on the way to the hotel, turning a 2 hour trip into a 5 hour one. so then we go out to get driver's licenses and found out that i have to retake the test, and so do the rents...hahahaha...kinda funny.
it's just so dumb and friday can not come fast enough
new number 336-978-6988
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| so little time... |
[31 Jul 2005|06:34pm] |
well, it's here...three days and my family jets out to Greensboro...the hardest goodbye so far has been Jennie, but that's probably because she's the only one I've really said goodbye to...so we'll see how the next three days goes.
new tires and an optometrist appointment tomorrow...we'll see what else the day holds...
doesn't matter, because my awesome awesomer boyfriend is here to do whatever it is with me...weeee!
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| never ceasing... |
[22 Jul 2005|07:40pm] |
the amazement in this place never ceases...
alright, let's clear a few things up shall we...?
MY John lost his cool the night that he posted the first comment...because frankly, he does know how i've been treated by other guys in my life and he's trying (in vain, unfortunately) to right all the wrongs. sure i made my share of mistakes, but it was not my choice to be the pawn of numerous guys trying desperately to forget a thing of the past or a thing of thepresent who didn't measure up. many of you have heard distorted ridiculous stories pertaining to my past, and for that i apologize but there is no way to convince you of such things now.
as for those of you have stood up for me in your own ways, i thank you.
and as for wishing for more comments, i do so in private posts, i know how to get them...just post publicly...haha
thanks guys, i'll never lose my faith in the ridiculous nature of this online journaling...one might ponder why we all still do it.
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| everyone's been asking... |
[16 Jul 2005|11:47am] |
so everyone's been asking what i've been up to...
working, a lot. I have been working in the kitchen at my church camp about an hour south of here in BFE. I get phone service spiradically and I have no access to the internet or the outside world aside from the phone from 2 pm every Sunday until 1 pm every Friday....so that's why I haven't been on...so if you read this you can quit asking
my relationship status has also changed for those of you who are so observant...yes, I have a boyfriend, his name is John, he goes to FIT and I love him in ways that I'm sure no one can understand...for a week I spent with him, we did everything: canoeing, walking to the top of a mountain and getting caught making out, taking pictures by the lake (see default picture), going to niagara falls and having car troubles...lots of them. He understands me, that I'm a real person, not just a piece of ass...definitely spoken 4, sorry boys. I also really appreciate the friendly messages that I have received from a lot of you...great friends are hard to come by and I love everyone on here.
So what's in store for me for the rest of the summer? My family is in the process of searching for a house in Greensboro NC, because ours here has sold and closes on August 5. I am trying desperately to complete packing for college while juggling being out of town for most of the week (2 more weeks and I'm done!!!). I move to school on August 14 officially, although I think we'll be there a few days early since my parents have to split early. I have met my roomie through emails and she seems like a pretty cool kid, definitely different from me, but I have an awesome neighbor ("michelin") and an awesome boyfriend to rely on if things go poorly. A week from this minute, I hope to be wrapped in the arms of my boyfriend. He is coming up to work the final week of camp with me and spend some time here before returning for RA training. And in that time, my family has to move. weeeeeeeeeee....this oughta be fun....
I miss my boyfriend, he's the greatest...if you want more gory details about how meeting a guy online can become a dream come true, continue reading, otherwise...go away.
so, how does it work. how can you sit in church with your heart on your sleeve and your head in your hands on one Sunday, begging God to take the burden of 3 months of love lost, to make you stop looking and let him take over...and four days later find the love of your life...yes guys you heard it...I said love and it's only been two weeks. but you cannot begin to understand how John and I's relationship works. That same sunday, John gave it up to. We honestly both believe that our relationship in a lot of ways is out of our control...we haven't become some bible thumping couple - we just accept that the ways we met were meant to happen. For three weeks before ever meeting him, we talked on the phone. We had a solid friendship founded on personality and intelligence before it was possible for any true physical attraction to occur...sure we had pictures, but how much do pictures tell you about someone...really?
He came here on a Saturday morning and for the next week I was sucked into a whirlwind of an experience that I can neither explain nor fathom the meanings of. I opened up to him about everything, we discussed past relationships and experiences, friends, enemies, everything. My favorite part of the whole week: I was in a downer mood on the 4th of July, right around dusk...we were at his friend's house and I asked if we could just go for a short walk for a few minutes alone. We held hands and walked to the top of this hill where you could see a good part of the lake we were visiting. We talked and held hands and kissed and it was just cute and romantic (his ex's sister's friend saw us and reported back...funniness)...anyways, that's not even my favorite part. The real talking didn't start til we were on the way back down...when we got back to the house instead of going to the backyard to shoot fireworks with his best friend, we sat in front of the house on the ROCKS and talked, holding hands, sometimes not even touching...and I have never felt so connected in my life. We talked about everything, and went to the backyard to catch the last of the fireworks...then we headed home.
Guys, I don't know how to say this, but I wish for each of you to meet the John's of your lives...because I can honestly never see myself with anyone else...
there, the juice is worth the squeeze...<3 to you all and good luck with the rest of your summers.
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| stranded... |
[07 Jul 2005|02:00pm] |
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so, 2 weeks got a little lengthy. I'm stranded in NY with John, a guy from FL Tech who came home for the weekend and took me with him. I promise more details later. But pray that we get the car back in the next few minutes and that the car gets us home safely. Hope to see you all really soon, love and miss each of you!
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| ...peace out world... |
[17 Jun 2005|01:54pm] |
well guys...it begins.
I leave sunday for a two and a half week stretch of not being home.
digitize me, i will miss you all!
.adios.
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| ...my better half... |
[07 Jun 2005|08:03pm] |
well guys, i'm getting far worse at keeping this updated...while this is still definitely my hide out, i'd like to invite you all into a new world...
...while most of you have the privilege of a facebook...i do not because i do not receive my @fit.edu address until august.
so welcome to my real life...the life that i've known since dec. 30 of 2004
hit my myspace...
MYSPACE
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| watch out melbourne |
[19 May 2005|06:10pm] |
well guys...it's official...i have made my decision...i'm headed to melbourne florida for the duration of my undergraduate collegiate career...and here's just one reason you have to come visit me...CHECK OUT MY NEW BACKGROUND...that's for real...and it's 10 minutes from my campus...3 miles + traffic...the beach is GORGEOUS...minus a little bit of construction on the boardwalk thanks to a rough hurricane season last year...but I'm excited...i spent so much money on merch from the college...
I'm a PANTHER!!!
hehe
FLORIDA TECH CLASS OF 2009!!
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| pondering the future... |
[04 May 2005|08:02pm] |
...ahead of me in the next twelve hours...
the future's a scary thing...don't ponder it often
never so happy
never so right
wrapped up in your arms
just holding me tight
i'll love you forever
regardless of what's to come
always to hold a place in my heart
i refuse to let go of this one...
~here's to chancing fate...
I love him.
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| I GOT IN!!!! |
[14 Apr 2005|09:08am] |
well then.
For the good news...
I have been admitted to the Florida Institute of Technology...FLORIDA TECH WANTS ME!!!!
Not only that...but they have offered me $12.500/year academic scholarships. EEEK!
Looks like there's a good chance that I will become a new citizen of FL...Melbourne and the college is 3 miles from the beach....3 FREAKING MILES...I'm a happy camper.
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| apology |
[06 Apr 2005|07:49pm] |
I'm sorry if anything that I have said in here, whether it be comments made or language used has offended any of you. I can assure you that it won't happen again. There's nothing else to be said...nothing can erase the past and nothing that I say here will change how I really feel inside. I'll be sure that if what I'm thinking is less than "appropriate" that I will keep it to myself.
Sorry.
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| fyeo... |
[17 Mar 2005|04:10pm] |
so, I'm reading Kevin's journal...insightful as always...
A few days back, he was talking about a visit to his therapist in which he expressed his belief in relativity, specifically the theory of relativity developed by Einstein. That theory basically states that the only concrete fact in the universe is the speed of light because nothing can be faster, that life itself cannot exist at a capacity greater than that speed.
While very well thought out, I noticed quite an irony in it. Has anyone ever experienced life at the speed of light? No human has. So once again we are found believing in something that we don't really understand and have never "seen" or experienced...much like God...maybe we're not as different as we think?
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| alright...for serious.... |
[30 Jan 2005|08:38pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
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Here we go...the final shot at trying to resolve the last six months of my life in one extensive journal entry...
Topics to address while I'm on track
~The friends I've gained
~The friends I've hurt
~The guys I've been through
~Things I wish I could have
~My spiritual struggle
~My physical struggle
So here we go, in no particular order.
I guess it started this summer. I went to church camp, got on fire for God, and then came home to temptations that I had never faced before, talk about hardcore devil work. It wasn't long before I told myself that I could get away with it all for the time being, and when the time to get right with God came, I'd be at a college where I'd be surrounded by good influences.
So my spiral began into the hell the last six months have been. I committed to RBC, and let senioritis take over my school-ideology. I had gotten in, I was better than everyone there, and I knew it. My grades slipped some I guess. But academia was the least of my problems.
Physically, for most of my life, I have felt inferior. You look at girls as perfect as Britney Spears or even girls close to home such as Dayna Lester or Allison Fain...girls who I know don't feel good about themselves, but make some of us feel ultra-inferior...and I started comparing myself. I wanted to be shorter, less intimidating to guys, I wanted to be skinnier. So I put my health at risk, and spent most of the summer avoiding food at all costs. I would skip at least two meals a day. It was easy, with band and all, I could skip breakfast and lunch and talk my way out of dinner, especially on weekends when I worked. I obsessed over my weight, weighing myself at least three times a day...when the scale broke 155 I would be ready to vomit. I just couldn't ever bring myself to do it, because then I knew I'd have to face the fact that I really had a problem. My mom started noticing, about 3 months later...she would beg me to sit down and eat something, plead with me to just be careful. As I became more and more self-conscious about my image, I couldn't eat in front of people anymore...only those who I knew accepted me for me. I've been trying hard to eat, but not like just junk...to eat healthy foods...but there are parts of it I can't shake...I still can't eat in front of certain people and it's not something I can consciously control...
Spiritually, about three months ago, I put my bible down and didn't touch it except for Sundays...and then it was just something hard to press against as I passed notes in church. I didn't know God, I didn't pray...I didn't do anything. I expected Him to understand as other aspects of my life took a nose dive. So within the past few weeks, I've been picking it up again, prying through it trying to find direction...and I think it's starting to work.
So in the process there has been some positive...as I got further from the God Squad, I got closer to other people in my life. Jessica has been here for me through it all, I told her all of the gory details last weekend. And I knew it scared her, ALOT...but she didn't say so. I talked to her two nights ago, and she told me that she was worried. I think I needed to hear that from her. In addition, Rachel has been amazing. She's got my back, even when I wanted to go places and do things that I shouldn't, she would tag along and keep an eye on me. She keeps me thinking lightly about life, but at the same time keeping my heart guarded.
So, why find new friends?...because I had hurt the ones I had. I judged Kristen and Jennie on things that I had no business getting involved in. I judged them on things that I've far exceeded in eccentricity at this point, gone farther than they in the respects that I judged them...I was a bitch...and I'll never repair the damage I did...I just have to accept that. I guess now things are better, I mean I know they have my back when I need it...but at the same time, I know I don't deserve it, so I don't ask for it. I love them both to death and hate what I did to them, I've apologized so many times, but there is nothing to erase what I said and I will forever live with that...
But the damage is the worst with my best friend. Aly, I don't even know where to begin. I shut you out, I begged for you to care, knowing that there wasn't anyway that I deserved it. I treated you like crap, didn't give you any explanation, and did things that I judged you for in the past without once feeling sorry for it. I didn't care what your feelings were, I just cared about myself. I waited for you to come to me, when in fact, I should have come to you. I am so sorry. Words cannot express how sorry I am, how much I wish I could take it all back. But I can't, it's over now, the damage is done, much of it irreparable. I wish so much to just regain your respect, knowing that being best friends with you would hurt you far too much. I love you so much and thank you for your constant prayer, for knowing that you were always there if I was willing to just come to you.
Those are only the big ones...I hurt tons of people...Jessica Witt, Katie Watson, girls I had nothing against, but couldn't manage to control my feelings and words...and felt like if I made them feel bad that maybe I could feel better in the process. Girls that didn't deserve it...
So, what was the ultimate of my backslide...my low-confidence.
I took pictures that made me look sexy, did things to my body to make me feel better about myself. It was those pictures that landed me my first kiss...and my second...and so much more. It was innocent at first, then it got out of hand. Greg and I had spent months being friends, and just friends. But we crossed that line once, and continued crossing lines. In my head I made excuses why it was ok to do the things we did. I love Greg to death, but I cut him from my life as anything more than a friend...no benefits, none of it. I can't take that anymore. Because of him, I drug my friends into his web, something I may never forgive myself for. So once I'd crossed lines with Greg and knew that while I was doing it, I was pretty in his eyes, it became the solution to all my problems. I hooked up with Josh Morgan and in the first date went way too far...then it was a guy from JF who will remain nameless, another guy from school, another guy with good intentions until he realized what he could get from me and couldn't see anything else anymore...but hey, I felt pretty right? Wrong...because in the end, I felt dirty and used. In all of the guys that I had relations with...two had girlfriends (which I was unaware of at the time), two had girls on their mind that they were using me to forget, and two just had rotten intentions.
My body had been used in the name of feeling like one of the pretty ones...I was told I was pretty in the heat of the moment, and then left in the dust...that's what it's like to be used...
So what's left of me after all that. I'm so glad to say that I still have my virginity, but I have no dignity, few friends, and had no will to fight for what I truly deserved.
I had convinced myself what I needed was a boyfriend to love me for the right reasons, to know I was beautiful inside and out. But I've started praying a lot about it...what has God shown me...that I have a lot of relationships to mend...but that I'm welcome to build new ones in the process.
I have in the past months, known what I was doing was wrong. But I started trying to pick out the negative in other people's lives, and neglect what was in my life. I am ready and willing to listen to everyone else's problems, but in the process forgot to take care of my own. Don't get me wrong, if any of you ever need anything, I'm here for you...3 AM drives to save friends are my specialty. But I just needed tonight to focus on me.
I need prayer and lots of it. I'm dealing with all of these feelings at once tonight and literally wish that I could curl up and die and it would all go away. I've spent the past hour it's taken to type this talking to a couple of people who I think understand me. But at the same time...I know that opinions of me will change with this entry. So here's what I'll ask...if you've made it through reading ALL of this, and you wish to comment, I don't wish for discouragement, and will delete comments that are like that. In fact that's the last thing I want. I don't want apologies because no one owes me one...I owe more apologies than I could possibly ever type.
So after lots of typing, I'll leave you all with this.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
She can laugh at the days to come...
...Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Proverbs 31
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| Public once again... |
[29 Jan 2005|02:56pm] |
In response to those of you who read my latest Public post...I must question:
Whos gonna check this think that isnt one of your "friends"?
Well...apparently YOU did...I hadn't even had it posted 24 hours...
kind of arrogant to assume we missed you...
Obviously you did, because you couldn't help but post here for me to see within a day of my public post.
I know who my friends are...it's those who I choose not to let into every detail of my life that I wanted to shout to the other day...but it just makes me realize those who really matter in my life...
Props to my "anonymous friend" and Aly for being there for me inspite of the assholes out there.
<3
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| Going Public... |
[27 Jan 2005|08:59am] |
For the few of you who stop in here to check on me, and aren't a friend...here's an update...I'm SO excited about college and everything life has in store for all of us in the coming months.
OH SH!T OH FIVE!!!!
Live life, love life, never look back!
Graduation: June 11, 2005...couldn't get here any faster!!!
Let's live it up, we're almost done!
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| PARTAY! |
[21 Dec 2004|04:39pm] |
OK...pause from all the drama...
Let me update on the bestest thing that's happened in a WHILE!
Carol and Michelle had a rad party yesterday...I was never quite sure you could have a party without alcohol, but we definitely managed it...it was AMAZING!!!! Dancing, food, bands, fun! Lots of people from lots of groups: Gov School, college, drumline, God Squad...all together in the same place at the same time getting along...that's the way high school was supposed to be....i loved it...we're doing it again!
Take that Christmas party, we had the best hands down...
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| Enlighten me... |
[21 Dec 2004|09:54am] |
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mood |
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 confused-why I matter so much |
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Would some outspoken reader that you've all demonstrated I have frequenting this place mind explaining to me WHY what I think matters so much?
Why would you talk about me, if you don't respect me or don't take anything I say seriously, why do I matter so much to you? Why does what I do, what I think or say at an instant in time MATTER to you?
I DON'T LIKE THE EUPHEMISM FOR THE HOLIDAYS!
BIG FLIPPIN' DEAL!
It won't change that in 9 months most of you will never see or speak to me again...and it won't change that in 9 months I won't care any more for your opinion than I do now. It doesn't matter to me.
I wish you could understand why...because in the end, I will win. I won't condemn you to eternal damnation, because it isn't my place, and few of you believe in such a thing. But if you choose to condemn yourself than that's your perrogative.
Just answer this for me...if you aren't living for something past the next 80 years...then why are you wasting my oxygen bothering? Because if you don't see something beyond this life, then you really have NOTHING to live for.
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